One Last Thought About Break-up

I know it does me no good
to keep thinking of the past
3 more months to go
then it'll be 1 year already
I was really trying very hard
to move on

I believe a little concern from you
even as normal friends
would help me get over it faster
because if I could still see
the good side of yours
I could find a reason to forgive
But because you didn't
not at all
I kept struggling to forgive you
by not looking at the bad side of yours

I guess our relationship wouldn't
end up so badly
if you ever put some effort
to make it right
I understand that
you think it's inconvenient
for you to talk to me first
as you have a girlfriend
The funny thing is
when we were together
it never crossed your mind
that you should keep a distance
from other girls
and yet you're applying this on me now
Good thing is
now you know the importance
of keeping that distance
though I'm sure I won't cross that line
even if we do talk
Bad thing is
I'm the one to bear with all this

You said time will tell
who's wrong and who's right
Did the answer come out now?
I don't know
When we were together
I don't think I made any big mistake
It's just that
afterwards I really do think that
you don't really know me
After we broke up
maybe I was wrong at some point
nasty words or whatever
but at least I'm still fair
to both of us
I judged from what I saw myself

I still don't regret of
returning all the stuff between us
I returned because it hurts too much
to see them
and there's no point that
I still keep them as memories
while the real memories are
fading away over time
They have been forgotten bit by bit
I guess everything between us
will be gone one day
What's left is just the lessons learnt

I wanted to keep that love
even when you're gone
but I found that
the feelings are fading away
and I can't do anything about it
I guess it's because
I'm being hurt too much
that I rather let go of you
I don't know how much have I healed
but I still can't listen to sad songs
it affects me
the tears would well up in my eyes
then I don't know why I still got tears
I thought I have forgotten
most of the memories
maybe your name is a reminder
to the entire sad story
and I'm forced to switch to other songs
but I think nothing else can still
hurt me that much
the interactions of you two on Fb
your profile picture
your relationship status
the introduction of her to your whole family
Well.. what else? Your marriage?
I think I'm mentally prepared this time

I never thought that
I could be this close to your family
But after you have brought her home
I don't wanna step into your house
anymore unless necessary
Reason being I don't wanna be compared
people look at me as your ex
I started to distance myself
from your family
because I kinda realised
it's not really good to
keep this bond
but I have to say that
when you were doing nothing
your family is my pillar of strength
because of them I could move on

I thought I'd still need
a very long time to forgive you
but recently things happened
I got myself into troubles
with some men
who really scared me
then I felt that
you might not be good
on relationships
but at least part of you
is better than those guys
at least you wouldn't treat me so
if we're together
although now we're basically strangers
I don't know how to define
our relationship at this moment
enemy? stranger? friend? godbrother?

In the end,
I think I've forgiven you
because through those guys
I recalled the good side of yours
the pure interaction between us
when we stepped up to
become lovers from friends
which made me believe
you're not that bad
so I think now I'm able to
fulfil what I've said
that I wanna bring you happiness
Obviously I'm not the one
but I give you my forgiveness
and I let go of you
for you to seek your happiness
while I can't give you any

And because of that forgiveness
I think I can still
keep the bond with your family and relatives
because I have taken back all my love from you
I hope you know
it takes a lot to take back
as I did love you with all my heart
I do love them
they're the ones who
keep me going without you
and as promised I'll try my best to help
but I'll make sure this bond
doesn't affect your girlfriend and you
If it does
at most I back off and pull myself
out of that bond

I thank you
for all the good changes
you had brought me
Part of me has changed because of you
Movies, series, MV, English songs, 9Gag, etc
And swimming.. Haven't learnt yet
but I got into trouble because of it

Since you didn't accept Fb friend request
and you didn't reply my CNY msg
I guess we probably
won't ever meet or talk again
I've done enough
to bring us back to
normal friendship
but one hand doesn't clap
if you really choose to be strangers
so be it
It's sad but I'll learn to accept
Maybe I'm still not good enough
to be someone's choice
I'll see what I should change

I'm expressing my feelings
and thoughts about us now
hopefully after this
I can continue moving on
and live my life better

Emo Morning

OMG.. It's been 2 years since I last wrote my blog.
Coming over here to write out my thoughts
because I find that it's really not safe
to post on Fb.
That crazy guy said
now I know why Kim dumped you.
Well, so why?
I know I actually don't have to
bother about whatever he said
but it just got me thinking
should I really start to introspect myself
do I have some weaknesses
that I should start changing now
or is it that my confidence is
crumbling bit by bit.
I know I'm imperfect
and I wanna improve to be
better and better.
But the sad past.. sigh..
Tired of figuring it out
because it'll be getting nowhere I guess.

A Great News

I'm still sleepy at this moment.
Just crawled out blearily from my bed.
Thought of updating my blog
before a new day begins.
I've got to finish up French homework,
MBIO discussion and ABC draft by today.
I'm glad that a friend of mine got into
semi-final round.
Managed to get around 270 votes.
I don't always keep in touch
with my old friends.
But I was grateful that they were willing
to vote for him.
I believe that he'll be a budding or promising model.
Hopefully he'll outshine the other contestants.
I'm not gonna talk much about it here
because I mentioned quite some on Fb already.
Haha..The end.

Mingled Feelings

It's contradicting.
I think what I've done is way beyond what I should do.
It won't be reciprocated anyway.
Is it worth doing so?
I suppose it's not.
I'm repeating the mistake that
I made 3 years ago.
Treating people too nicely..
In the end the one who got hurt
is still me.
I'd like to be my old self.
The icy cold person..
Being oblivious to the surroundings.
Would never be upset or hurt by anything.
Never get my hopes up.
Then I'd never be disappointed.
Who am I?
Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.
I'm a human.
I've got feelings.
I do have times whereby I feel depressed
or I'm happy.
I will also cry,smile or laugh.
I'm envious of those who have high EQ.
When will I be able to learn how to
control my emotions well?
In a sense that my mood would never
be affected by any incidents.

Dizziness

There was a serious traffic congestion
in this morning.
Never experienced this kind of situation before.
Fortunately I was still able to reach at 9am prompt.
I was feeling dizzy when staying in the cramped lab.
The air-conditioner was broken down
since last week.
I found that even the one who's detested by most people
treated me well when I was going to faint.
She even pulled a chair for me.
People used to describe me as fragile.
Am I?
I only know that I'm quite weak.
Aha..There're lots of upcoming assignments,
reports and tests.
I'll be having 2 tests on this Friday.
I doubt if I'm able to finish the whole topic
which has about 200 slides.
I'm whacked
but this kind of life will carry on until CNY.
Last Saturday I went for shopping again.
Seriously I have to refrain from buying clothes.
Each time I buy a new one,
I give the other shirts that I bought earlier
to my mother.
In the end I keep 3 dresses that I like the most
for myself.
This time round what I bought is a dictionary!
As I mentioned, I'm really going to read up
the whole dictionary
which's what I wanted to do since 2 years ago.
Each time I'm only free to learn about
new vocabulary during semester holidays.
Usually people spend their time working part-time.
It's different to what I'd do,
to a person like me who never had any working experience.
Anyway this dictionary is just half of the thickness
compared to the thickest Oxford dictionary.
I bought it because I'd like to bring it to S'pore.
Although I'm very busy, I'll try my best
to study bit by bit every day.
I'd like to treat those who I truly care about nicely.
It should be out of my genuine interest.
If not, how to justify it?
I'm too tired to give it any more consideration.

Silence

Each time when you say 'thanks', 'yeah', 'you are welcome',etc.
How serious are you when you blurt out these words?
To me, sometimes they're just perfunctory remarks.
Some words that I'll just say without second thoughts.
But when it's directed at the people who I truly care about,
surely it comes from the bottom of my heart.
Never doubt that.
Anyway I believe it's easy to distinguish the moments that
I express them sincerely from those that I don't.
Hmm..Not saying that I'm not sincere.
Just that they're passing remarks?
I don't speak
but my silence doesn't mean I'm ignorant or unawared
of what's going on.
Although sometimes people just blurt out unintentionally,
it seriously can affect my emotion.
I used to think that I'm one who can express my feelings well.
But as time flies,
I realise I'm not.
I remain silent if I can't express it in words.
Well, this happens sometimes.
A lot of indescribable feelings
that I couldn't even explain it myself.
People either just think I'm always so quiet
or I'm not good in language?
I guess that's what they think of me.
Frankly, I hope someday there'll be someone
who's willing to find out what I'm thinking.
At least help me unravel it.
I failed to score A for communication module
by 0.4 mark.
Is it that surprising if I'm good in written language?
It's likely that people's jaw will drop.
I started learning on my own since Form 4.
In the past I had changed quite a few tuiton centres
in order to learn it well.
Because the teaching materials were kinda too easy.
Who's to blame?
But that's my homeland.
I read and read a lot of essays and novels.
Dictionary was the one who accompanying me
most of the time.
I'd still like to discover more about language.
But I'm preoccupied with my work.
Again, I didn't sleep well.
When'll I be able to take my lovely sleep?

Busy Life

It's been four days
that I didn't update my blog.
There were long breaks on Monday and yesterday.
I chose to spend more on the bus fares
and go home.
So what was I doing during the break?
I wasn't taking my lovely nap
although I really didn't have enough sleep these days.
I was busy looking up for information from the internet.
Not only two assignments due on the end of this month.
There're upcoming reports as well.
At least three reports I guess.
Most of my modules are non-exam based.
So I have lots of work to do in this month
before CNY.
What a hectic pace of my current life.

I had completed my CIP on Tuesday.
Volunteering myself as a loan promoter
in Central Lending Library.
I encountered a young guy.
He's just 18.
Same as as my brother.
A tall and lanky guy.
Seriously he doesn't look like China people.
From his way of speaking.
It seems his accent has been 'localized'.
No difference from Singaporeans.
He looks very decent.
I guess he's a good-natured and hardworking guy.
I conversed with him in English
It was VERY boring because we just stood there
and most of the time did nothing.
Our job was to inform the library users about
the extended period of renewal of books.
I guess I can always talk more to those
who're foreigners as well.
Or those who're sorta related to M'sia
or know a bit about my homeland.
He came to S'pore since he was studying
Primary 4.
So we shared our own experience 
of living and studying here.
At least with his company
I spent my time better.
In a sense that I wasn't really wasting my time.

Alright, I have French class later.
Need to put a stop here.
I shall continue my blog tonight or tomorrow morning.
I hope I really have the perseverance and determination
to write my blog.
Because I found that I tend to ignore it
when I'm really busy with my work.